Another Minute, Another Sucker

In an email mentioning Obama this morning, Google displayed an ad titled "New Obama Stimulus Checks." You know that I just had to check that out.

The main page is fairly staid, at least compared to what I'd expected. It claims to be the personal blog of Jessica, a single mother who had been drowning in debt but who was saved thanks to a $12,000 grant from the feds (yes, a grant: this is not a loan! It's free money!) and is now getting $5,000 from Google each month for very little work that is all done in her spare time. Yep, it's the standard horseshit about making big bucks while sitting on your ass, compliments of the Google Home Business Kit. Still, given the title of the ad that lead me here and the domain name (stimuluscheckgrants.com), I was expecting lots of references to the stimulus package and maybe a pic of Obama in the old Uncle Sam recruiting poster but with the slogan "I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS MONEY!" But no, instead, I see a somewhat understated site.

But then there's the link to apply for your government grant. First of all, there's a $1.99 "shipping fee," which seems just a bit strange, but this is the Small Business Administration, and everybody knows that the feds just do things kinda backwards. I mean, this is grant money to start your own business, so we must be talking about the SBA, right? Then there's the little matter -- still on the main page -- of the photo of the $12,000 that this blog owner received. Of course, it's very difficult to make out much detail from the check, but one thing is obvious: this is not a government check. Finally, there's the linked page itself. Here's where we find the over-the-top references to government money, including a pic of what appears to be a real-fake government check (as opposed to the fake-fake check on the main site). Here's the pic of Obama, left hand on Bible, right hand raised, pledging that this is a great deal, "Honest Injun!" Here's where they hint that this has all been reported on -- meaning, approved by -- CNN, MSNBC, and CBS News. But wait, this is not a one-time deal: you may qualify to receive grants repeatedly. But wait some more, it turns out that you don't have to use this money to start a business: you could also use it to go to school, buy a house, pay down your debt... hell, I'll bet you could use it to buy a truckload of beer and a couple of cases of beef jerky and pork rinds! And look how easy: you just type in your name, email, and phone number to get the Grant CD! Oh, but you'd best hurry, cause we switch domains and hosts this week! Er, no, I mean that the government offer expires this week!

Back on the main page again (I'm too chicken to actually fill out the form for the govt grant CD, even using false info), there's the link for information about the Google Home Business Kit, which has a $3.00 shipping fee. (What, Google charges more than the feds? Christ, no wonder the government has racked up $10 trillion in debt!) This link takes you to a page on the emillionaireinstitute.com domain, so many of your remaining fears should now be allayed since this is an educational site about getting rich. As expected, this site is similar to the govt grants site in how in-your-face it is but at the same time, reassuring, because, well, why would Google want to rip you off? And what's more, it says right there on the page that this has been endorsed by CNN and MSN. Now, I'm not certain why Microsoft's Web portal would be in the habit of endorsing business opportunities with a rival, but I guess that means that this opportunity is really that good. It's just amazing that we've been given this opportunity to... wait, what are you looking at now? No, don't look down there. That small print at the bottom of the page doesn't say anything important and might cause permanent damage to your eyes if you try to read it. Besides, it's just a bunch of junk that lawyers make us put on here, and who wants to read a bunch of legal crap when you instead could be excited about your new business!! Besides, there are only 46 kits left and you only have another ten minutes to fill out the form to see if you qualify: this is such a great opportunity but it will disappear forever if you fail to ACT NOW!!

Back yet again on the main page, the blog comments are from people testifying that it really was as easy as Jessica said. Heck, Patty got $40,000 to help pay off her mortgage. Unfortunately, comments have been temporarily disabled, no doubt because Jessica has been overwhelmed by all of the people writing in to say how grateful they are to her for leading them down the path toward FREE MONEY!!